Randy and James Get Married and Adopt Thomas as Their Son
by imatu
Summary: Randy, known on YouTube as PioneersProductions, has the IRS on his tail, and so he asks his only friend for help - James, AKA freakshow180. They get married, and fall in love with each other as well as with a group of teenaged fans of Randy, including one young boy, Thomas AKA SmellMySneaker AKA imatu in this beautiful story of love and redemption.
1. Chapter 1

Randy was crying. He had been crying all night. The IRS was on his tail.

He had sold the Gay Whale into prostitution, had eaten the Frog just to survive, and was using Mr. Horse Head's urn as a toilet, since the IRS had already taken his toilet. They'd also taken his house, and his car, as well.

The only thing he had left was his phone. He had enough juice, in both his penis and his phone, to make one more call: he was going to call his best friend, James - his savior, mentor, and secret crush -, and get married to him.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hello," said James, unsure of why Randy was calling him at 2 AM.

"Hi, James," said Randy, nervously. "I have a favor to ask."

"Well, what is it?" said James, who was naked, because he sleeps naked and it was pretty hot that night and he really wasn't expecting a fucking call from his best friend Randy at 2 AM.

"Will you marry me?"

James bolted up, erect. "What?!"

"You heard me, bitch. Marry my ass." Randy was gettin' upset.

"Randy, we need to talk more about this before we-"

"No! Enough! We've been skirting around this issue since we first met, and it's time to make a decision. Either marry me or get the hell out of my life!" Randy actually had no idea what he was talking about, but he hoped it would work.

"Okay. I'll see you in an hour. Meet me at the Taco Bell."


	3. Chapter 3

The Taco Bell parking lot was empty, except for Ray Rybka, the local serial killer. Don't worry, he's not a part of the story, just a little detail that I thought I should put in.

When James arrived, Randy was already there, smoking a beer. James was twenty minutes late.

"You're twenty minutes late!" said Randy.

James got out of the car. He was still naked, and was holding a red dress. "Yeah, sorry Randy, I wanted to buy you this dress first."

Randy was confused. "Wha...t...?"

"Randy, man, just put on my dress, come on."

"I think... I think you should wear it, James."

"I bought it for you. You should be grateful."

"Alright, sorry, James." And so, Randy put on the dress, over his own black t-shirt and blue jeans.

"It fits you well," said James.

"Actually, it's pretty tight..."

"IT FITS YOU WELL," said James.

"Yeah. So, you wanna get some Taco Bell now?" asked Randy.

Randy led James to the Taco Bell. The lady behind the counter was confused by Randy's appearance, but took their order nonetheless. Randy ordered three Doritos Locos Tacos, and James ordered one soft shell taco with extra mayonnaise.

They took their order to-go, and ate in the back of Randy's car. They ate ferociously, stuffing their mouths full of meat.

Suddenly, James's taco shot mayonnaise all over Randy's new dress.

"Oh shit," said Randy, "you got a white stain on my new dress!"

"Fuckin' metaphors, man," said James. "Anyways, let's go get married."


	4. Chapter 4

Randy and James both rushed to the local church. They left their cars behind, and ran; Randy, in his red dress, with the mayonnaise stain partially removed by Taco Bell napkins, and James, still completely naked.

Of course, it being 3 AM and all, there was no one in the church, and the doors were locked. To circumvent this, James went to the back of the church, and punched a big stained-glass window.

"Ow! Oh, fuck!" said James, after punching a big stained-glass window in the back of a church. "Fuck! That hurt!"

"Here, let me try," said Randy, as he backed up from the church. Then, suddenly, he burst towards it, feet-first, and... "Ow! Fucking shit! Cock bitch asshole!"

Again, the stained-glass window would not break. So, James just went to a smaller, regular-glass window next to a door and broke that with his fist (which began to bleed), and then opened the door by unlocking it from reaching into the window.

"Well, the door's open, but now my hand really hurts."

"Don't worry," said Randy, "I'll kiss it and make it all better."

Randy kissed and licked James's hand for probably like twenty minutes, it was just really weird and I don't feel like describing it any further than this because it was so awkward, seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, Randy?

After that ordeal, James picked up Randy and cradled him in his arms, and then kicked open the door to the church, except that it didn't really work because the door opens outwards, not inwards, and it would take a bit of effort to kick it in, especially while carrying a man in a stained red dress, so James just put Randy back on the floor and then opened the door normally. Then, he pulled Randy inside the church, and ran to the front door.

"The pastor should be coming soon," said James, "so get ready."

Immediately after saying this, the naked James began grunting, and pushing, and then Randy heard a metallic cling on the floor. He looked down and saw a shit-covered pocket knife, which had just fallen out of James's asshole. A small amount of shit had also landed on Randy's dress, staining it even further, but neither Randy nor James really even fucking cared anymore, they were too far into this to go back now.

"Just in case," said James.


	5. Chapter 5

Randy was tired. He was falling asleep... and then he heard a noise. It was... like a... plastic baggie... but he... was falling... asleep... again...

And then he felt something grab his arm. He bolted up and...

"Oh, James, it's just you."

James had grabbed his arm, and was holding out his other hand, which contained a plastic baggie with something that looked like sugar inside.

"Here, snort this, it'll keep you awake," said James, whose nose was covered in cocaine.

"Wha...t...?"

"Just snort it, bitch! Quick, the pastor's coming!"

So, quickly, Randy poured half of the contents of the baggie down his left nostril, and the other half down his right nostril. James looked at him quizically.

"What? I like to balance it out," said Randy.

"Whatever, man," said James, right as the door opened. Randy and James both quickly put their backs to the wall, and his in the shadows.

The pastor walked a bit into the church, and then stopped. Randy and James froze.

"Bah! Rap music? More like cRAP MUZAK! Ahahahahahaha!" the pastor said, giggling to himself.

Just then, James, still naked, ran up behind the man and put his shit-covered pocket knife up to his throat.

"Wh- who the heck are you?!" exclaimed the pastor.

"Shut up, whore. I'm the one asking the questions here, not you! Now," said James, "is gay marriage legal in this state?"

"I... I don't know!"

"Really? You don't? Alright, kid," said James, addressing the man who was at least twenty years his senior, "what's your name?"

"Ry... Ryan. Pastor Ryan! My close friends call me Rye Bread, and I hate rap music!"

"What about the Beastie Boys, Rye Bread?"

"Yeah, sure, they're fine, buddy. God loves those Beasting Boys!"

"Alright, good. Now, Rye Bread... _is gay marriage legal in the state of Pennsylvania?_"

"I... I... no, it isn't!" said the lying pastor; gay marriage was legalized in the state of Pennsylvania on May 20th, 2014.

"Argh, goddammit!" said James. "The only state I know of that has legalized gay marriage is Illinois."

James paused. An idea suddenly flew through his brain, and then shot right into Randy's. They looked at each other for several seconds, and then screamed, at the same time, "ROAD TRIP!"


	6. Chapter 6

James, still naked and holding his shit-plastered pocket knife to the throat of the pastor, suddenly threw up all over the pastor's clothes.

"Oh, God," exclaimed James, with a shit-eating grin, "I shouldn't've eaten my own shit!"

Randy, at the sight of the shit covering the inside of James's mouth, also vomited.

"Ow," said Rye Bread the Pastor, "something's poking my bottom!"

James again showed his shit-eating grin, and Randy again vomited at the sight of those brown chompers. "Don't worry about it," said James. "Do you have a car?"

"Yeah," said Rye Bread, "an RV."

"Sweet."

James, Rye Bread, and Randy all ran out into the church's parking lot, covered in shit, vomit, and more vomit, respectively.

"Which one is yours?" asked James.

"Uh," answered Rye Bread, "that one." He pointed at the only car in the parking lot.

"Alright, where are the keys?"

"Forget the keys, James," said Randy. "I'll open that son of a bitch up!"

"Ow! Something's poking my bottom again!" said the pastor.

"Go ahead, bud," said James.

Randy ran up to the door of the RV and kicked it with all of his might. The door burst off its hinges and flew inside of the RV.

"It was already open, you dummies! I'm a pastor! I'm a very trusting person!" screamed Pastor Rye Bread.

"Whatever," replied James, as he pushed Rye Bread into the RV. "Alright now, Rye Bread, go sit in the back while we get this door out of here."

Rye Bread scurried into the back of his RV while James and Randy tried to pick up the door, which was stuck in the driver's seat. After a few minutes, they were able to, and James chucked it out the door-hole that it was previously bolted to.

"I'll go in the back and check on that guy," said Randy, "you drive us to Illinois."

"Alright, bae." said James.

"Don't call me that," said Randy, as he walked away to the back of the RV. When he got there, Pastor Rye Bread was laughing up a storm.

"Ha," said Pastor Rye Bread, "I've already called in my men. I advise driving away as fast as you can, because they're coming, and they'll be here soon."

"Hey Randy," screamed James from the dining area of the RV, "you gotta come see this, man!"

Randy ran towards where James was. He was surprised at what he saw. Every cabinet in the RV contained weapons - guns, swords, grenades, etc. - of every variety. There were a few katana, an AK47, even an RPG.

"Oh, shit," said both Randy and James, at the same time. When they realized that they said the same thing at the same time, they both looked at each other, and then shared an intensely passionate kiss.

"I love you," said James.

"I love you too... bae," said Randy.

James quickly picked up the AK47, and handed it to Randy. "There's a sunroof - look through that, but be careful. I saw some guys hiding around the church, and they were armed. I'm gonna take off in a minute, and I need you to take them out for me - no, for us. Can you do that?"

"You bet," replied Randy.

They shared another intense, passionate kiss, and then James went to the front of the RV while Randy looked through the sunroof. He held up his AK47 and rested it on the roof of the RV, but still held onto it tight, like a baby with its bottle.

"Get ready!" screamed James, and immediately afterwards he took off at full speed out of the parking lot.

Bullets riddled the side of the RV, but Randy couldn't find the source of the bullets. Then, he looked towards the roof of the church - there they were! He looked down the sights of the AK47, aimed, and - BOOM! But he missed - James was swerving all over the road!

"Keep it steady, James!"

"Well, I'm sorry bae, but I'm trying not to get _fucking shot at!_"

Randy was annoyed, but not for long, as bullets whizzed past his head. He quickly ducked back inside, and then popped his head out again, and shot towards the roof of the church, barely even aiming. He wounded a few, and killed a few others; two of the wounded even fell off the roof. But his victory was short-lived, and more bullets whizzed past him, this time from a closer source - the road they were on! He looked behind him, and a big, black jeep was coming up behind him.

"James! They're behind us!"

"I see 'em, bae! Don't worry," said James, as he pulled the pin out of a grenade, "I got this."

He put his hand out the window, and then opened it, letting the grenade drop.

3. 2. 1. BOOM!

An explosion behind them, right under the black jeep, shook the road! A column of dust obscured their vision, but suddenly the black jeep burst through the dust - it was barely affected!

"Shit, Randy, it's coming back. It must be pretty tough. Take the RPG from the cabinet!"

"Alright, James."

Randy hurried down from the sunroof and opened the cabinet. In the back was an RPG, with one rocket inside, and two extras next to it. Randy took it, and went back up through the sunroof. He rested the RPG down, took aim, and fired!

Smoke blew in his face, and he tried to get it out of his face, forgetting that the rocket wasn't completely out of the rocket yet - and it hit! Not it's target, unfortunately, but rather an unrelated civilian's car.

"Oh fuck!" screamed Randy.

"Don't worry, bae," said James, "their plates were from Virginia. I hate Virginians! You could shoot their car with another rocket, for all I care! Bah! Goddamn Virginians!"

Randy stooped down to pick up one of the backup rockets that he had left on the table beneath him, and then put it in the RPG. He took aim, fired, and this time didn't worry about the smoke - he just hoped that he would hit that jeep!

He closed his eyes, and took three deep breaths. Then he opened his eyes. The smoke had cleared. The jeep was nowhere in sight. He looked further down the road, and saw the jeep! It was on fire, and completely wrecked. Success!

"You got it, bae," yelled James from the front of the RV, "I think we're safe now!"

"What?!" screamed Rye Bread from the back of the RV. He had tied himself up with rope, completely confident that his men would rescue him. "Oh, fuck..."

James slowly parked the RV on the side of the road - well, now they were on the highway - and then made his way to the back of the RV. On the way there, he picked up a glock from the cabinet. He put the gun to Rye Bread's head.

"Any last words?"

"RAP SUCKS!"

Boom. One shot was all it took to wipe out that awful, awful man, along with all of his incorrect opinions, from this world.

"Looks like that Rye Bread... just got baked," said James, as he put on a pair of cool sunglasses. "Dump the body, and then let's get to Illinois."

"Dump it where?" asked Randy.

"Just, like, right here, I guess. Who cares?"

And so, Randy dumped the body, like, right there, I guess. Who cares?

The next three days were pretty uneventful and routine; in the daytime, James would drive and Randy would keep lookout; at night, they had rough anal sex in the blood and brains of Rye Bread the Pastor, and then cuddled next to each other as they slept.

Finally, they made it to Illinois; specifically, the town of code name imatu777, AKA SmellMySneaker, their online friend. Oh, but his real name?

It starts with a T... and ends with an homas.


	7. Chapter 7

Randy, still wearing his stained red dress, waited inside the RV. He'd been waiting for half an hour, while James was away "on business."

They had parked in front of Thomas's high school, staking out the place. They needed a son so that their marriage would look more official.

Suddenly, the door opened. Thomas was pushed inside and fell to the ground, and James tripped over him on the way in. They were both covered in blood, and James had spit up a bit of vomit onto his still naked body.

"Drive!" yelled James to Randy, who was closest to the driver's seat.

Randy sat down as fast as he could, while still keeping his hair stylish. He backed out and did a wicked u-turn, and then floored outta there.

"Wait a minute," said Thomas, "I know you guys! Holy shit, James? Randy? What the hell, man? Was all that really necessary?"

"Look, man, we've got a favor to ask," said James.

"Yeah," said Randy, "will you be our son? We're trying to get gay married."

Thomas looked at Randy, then at James, then back to Randy. He thought very hard, harder than his penis had ever been in the sixteen years he's been on the planet Earth.

"Of course. I love you, gay dads."

James and Randy looked at each other for at least thirty seconds, and then smiled. James still had that shit-eating grin, having actually eaten his own shit a few days ago. Randy was still disgusted by it, and vomited some more onto his red dress. There was blood in his vomit, but you couldn't really tell because it blended in with the redness of his dress; James really knew fashion.

But, as they were looking at each other, something terrible loomed in front of them.

"Look out!" yelled Thomas.


	8. Chapter 8

In front of the RV, which contained a teenage boy covered in blood, a naked man covered in shit, and the driver who was wearing a red dress covered in mayonnaise, were two innocent children walking down the sidewalk. Randy hadn't noticed them before because his eyes had been off of the road for over thirty seconds, and he had also vomited onto himself.

James was furiously screaming, repeatedly, "Ram those little shits! Ram 'em!" However, Randy went against the wishes of his lover, and instead slammed on the brakes whilst simultaneously steering towards the left, away from the innocent children.

"Wait a minute," said Thomas, "I know those kids! We all know those kids!"

He quickly got out of the stopped RV, and ran towards the now-traumatized children, who were only a few years younger than himself.

"Nathan? Sammy? Wow! I know you from Twitter! I'm imatu777, remember?"

"Hi! I'm Nathan," said the girl.

"Hi! I'm Sammy," said the boy, in an oddly British accent.

"No... no, I think you've gotten yourselves mixed up," said Thomas. "You're Sammy," he said, pointing at the girl, "and you're Nathan," he said, pointing at the boy.

"Oh. We don't really remember a lot," said Nathan, still with a British accent, "just our names."

"Really? Oh, well, you're Nathan, and you think I'm really cool, and you love me in, like, a bro way, but not in a gay way, and also we're best friends."

"Oh, well that's bloody great, innit?" said Nathan, still speaking British.

"And you," Thomas said, pointing at Sammy, "are Sammy, and you're practically in love with me, like you really want to have sex with me really bad, but I'm so noble that I've always declined your offers of hot, passionate, romantic, naked sex. Oh, and you're Randy's 'number 1 fan,' I mean, in reality _I_ am, but you say that you are and-"

"Ran...dy...?" asked Sammy, as if a light in her head was slowly turning on.

"Yeah, Randy Stair. He's a YouTuber, goes by the name PioneersProductions, he likes the Beatles, and Queen, and that song Remember by Ember from the Danny Phan-"

"Remember... Ran... dy?"

At that very moment, Randy exited the RV, in his red dress, and stood before Thomas, Nathan, and Sammy.

Suddenly it all came rushing back to Sammy. Well, not everything, but she remembered enough that she knew who Randy was, and knew that she loved him. She ran up to him, and gave him the biggest hug that she could muster up, while also strategically dodging the mayonnaise, shit, and vomit stains on his red dress.

"I'd blow you," she said, "but I'm 14 and you're, like, 21."


	9. Chapter 9

James, Randy's best friend and lover who was currently naked and covered in his own shit and vomit, had been watching this fated meeting from the windows of the RV. However, at Sammy's last comment, he immediately leapt out of the door-hole (the door had previously been ripped off of the RV) and ripped Sammy off of Randy, then punched her in the face as hard as he could, knocking her to the ground.

"Randy is my one and only!" screamed James, who was crying, and also peeing on his own ballsack out of anger. "We love each other, and you can't tear us apart! He's my husband-to-be!"

"Oh... James..." said Randy, infinitely moved. "I love you, bae."

Then, the two shared a passionate kiss, and James accidentally peed on Randy's dress.

"Sorry," whispered James, tenderly, into Randy's face, "I peed on your dress."

"It's okay," said Randy, who was wearing a red dress now covered in the mayonnaise, shit, vomit, and piss of his lover, "I love you too much to really care what I look like."

"You mates are bloody mental!" exclaimed Nathan, who was still speaking British for some reason.

James ran over and punched _him_ in the face, too. "Hey, buddy, I'm not your mate! I'm Randy's mate! We have rough, passionate sex every night, and now that I am in the middle of this sentence, I am realizing that I shouldn't punch teenagers, or tell them about all the gay sex I've been having, no matter how much I want to. Shit. Sorry."

"That's alright," said Sammy, "I'm just so happy that I get to meet Randy!"

"He truly is a wonderful man," said James, still with his literal shit-eating grin. However, this time, Randy didn't vomit; he wasn't looking at his lover, but rather at the duo of Thomas and Sammy.

This worried James. If he wasn't looking at him, constantly, then did Randy truly love him? He had to know, so he told Randy to meet him behind the RV for a quick beej. However, this was a lie; he really just wanted to pick Randy's brain.

"Alright, James, let's do this quick. I don't want three teenagers to come behind this RV and see you giving me a beej."

"Randy, I'm not really going to give you a beej. I just want to know what's going on. Why didn't you vomit at the sight of the shit on my teeth? Why were you looking at Thomas and Sammy like that?"

"...I'll tell you while you give me a beej, how about that?"

James sighed. "Ugh, fine. You know I can't resist you."

And so, James got to work.

"Well, I - ooh, James, watch the teeth. Well, I was just thinking that, ya know, maybe - ooh, do that again."

"Mwhat? Myou mwant me mto mrub mthe mshit mon my mteeth mon myour mdick msome more?"

"Yeah, keep doing that. Just don't let me see it, that sounds nasty. Anyways, I, uh... I love you, but... I want to have a threesome with Thomas and Sammy."

At that point, James did a spit-take, even though he usually swallowed.

"Oh, fuck, that was good. Great job, James," said Randy.

Then, Randy looked to his right. Standing there, watching, was Thomas, Sammy, and Nathan.

After about fifteen seconds of awkward silence, Nathan said, "You blokes are all bloody mental!"


	10. Chapter 10

I'm just gonna come right out with it. I'm not gonna write a sex scene between a fourteen-year-old girl, a sixteen-year-old boy, and a man wearing a dress in his twenties in front of his naked lover and the girl's younger brother. I'm not gonna do it. I want to, but I won't, because I hope to one day have a respectable career.

Instead, why don't you remind me in about four years, so I can give Sammy a perfectly legal "birthday party"? We'll all even wear special suits, made specifically for birthdays!

So, anyways, Nathan, Sammy, and even James and Thomas were incredibly grossed out by Randy's proposal.

"Just kidding!" said Randy, who totally was not kidding and just trying to save face. "Ha, I totally got you guys!"

Nathan, Sammy, James, and Thomas still just stared at him, blankly. James had his mouth agape, almost as if he were asking for more cock, though if Randy offered it was debatable whether he would give in or not. Sammy's mouth was agape as well, but she covered it with her hands, and even still you could see that she was blushing.

She looked at Randy, and then she looked towards Thomas. _To do it with them..._, she though, _I don't know if I could. Thomas, sure, but Randy... he's like seven years older than me! Gross!_

I'm not going to go into details about a teenager's moistening vagina, but know that it could have been - hell, it probably was - happening at this very moment. Whether it was Nathan's vagina, or Sammy's vagina, or even Thomas's vagina is uncertain.

However, just as things were reaching the peak of awkward, a feminine voice grumbled from behind them.

"Hello, James," said the voice, "long time no see! Nice dick."

Everyone else was already staring at her. She was wearing a Taco Bell uniform. James wanted to delay the moment as long as he could, but eventually gave in and turned around as well. It wasn't a woman at all; sure, it looked like one, but look closely enough and you'll see that it was actually a man wearing the skin and uniform of a woman!

"Hello, again," muttered James, "Ray Rybka."

Remember back when I mentioned Ray Rybka back in chapter 3, and also the Taco Bell lady, and said that they wouldn't be a big part of the plot? I lied! I'm an unreliable narrator! Or am I?!


	11. Chapter 11

It had been rough. With the whole Ray Rybka thing, then the cancer, James accidentally cutting open Randy's penis, Randy purposefully sticking needles into James's dickhole for revenge, Amber (another teenage fan of Randy's) showing up, and even Thomas and Nathan accidentally touching dicks. A lot had happened since Ray Rybka showed up, but now the wedding was finally upon them.

Randy and James had thrown away their past lives, and so Nathan, Sammy, Thomas, and Amber were pretty much the only ones invited.

James stood up at the altar, still naked, with the priest, a British velociraptor. The priest was also a ninja, but not here. He was a ninja somewhere... else. Somewhere magical, and exotic, someplace that normal men could not enter, because it was a place only for British velociraptors. But, I digress.

Suddenly, Randy walked into the room. He was wearing a brand new dress, that he had bought a week ago and had been wearing since then. I mean, sure, it wasn't brand new, but compared to the red dress from the beginning of the story, I mean, come on, guys. It was a white dress, even though when he bought it, it was black. Hashtag gross.

James was mesmerized. His penis grew erect, and it made a whoopy-whoopy-whoop noise, but no one noticed because Randy was so beautiful in his dress stained with cum.

Nathan walked Randy down the aisle. It was the least they could do for him, ever since the incident. Sammy ran up and down the aisle with them, throwing rice anywhere she could, and Amber looked on, holding roses, and secretly eating them when no one was looking. Thomas was the ring bearer - he was their adopted son, after all - and he cried with joy when he handed them their rings. His penis also cried, and it leaked out a bit, and you could kinda see in the right light, but no one mentioned it out of politeness.

The British velociraptor priest said the priesty stuff that priests always say at weddings, I don't fucking know, man, and then James slipped his ring on Randy's ring finger. He slammed it on, hard, and it reminded him of the anal sex they had had earlier that morning, and he accidentally came a little bit, but again, no one mentioned it out of politeness. Randy slipped his ring on James's ring finger, and they both said "I do," and kissed. It was beautiful. James even slipped his tongue in a little bit, and everyone noticed, but no one mentioned it, yet again out of politeness.

In the back of the church stood a man, looking on. He looked to be in his early- to mid-sixties. It was Robin Williams. He whispered, "Thumbs up." He didn't give a thumbs up, he only said it. Somehow, magically, this whisper reached everyone's ears; however, when they looked to where the sound came from, all they saw was an open window.

James cried. He looked towards the window, and wept out all he could. Then, suddenly, he said those magic words. The words that changed everything.

"Nanu nanu!"


	12. Chapter 12

Suddenly, the sky opened up. Blackness descended from the heavens, and bathed the world in shadow. Their blood chilled.

"Ice to meet you!" screamed a terrifying voice in a strange accent.

Suddenly, it started to snow.

"Do you know what killed the dinosaurs?" screamed the voice.

A roar could be heard in the distance. James turned and looked at the priest, a British velociraptor. He knew what was coming, and shit out his pocket knife once again. He jabbed it into the velociraptor's neck as the voice shook throughout the world yet again.

"The ice age!"

Just then, a terrible gust of wind blew over the entire world, covering it with snow.

"Get inside," yelled James, who had just sliced an opening into the velociraptor's body. Nathan, Sammy, Amber, Randy, Thomas, and finally James entered the velociraptor's body.

"And I thought it smelled bad on the outside!" said Thomas.

James opened his eyes. He was on the floor, and everyone was looking at him.

"What happened, James?" asked Randy. "You said 'nanu, nanu,' then you ran around like a chicken and stabbed our priest in the stomach. Then you ran away, and tripped on a pew, and passed out."

"Oh, sorry," said James, "I did a ton of cocaine an hour ago, and I guess it's just started to kick in."

"That's our James!" said Thomas.

"It sure is!" said Sammy.

Nathan just stood there nodding, unable to talk because Ray Rybka had cut his vocal cords three months ago. Luckily, he hated talking anyways, because he hated his British accent.

James started screaming, and then ran out of the church, because he was still high on cocaine.

"Is he gonna be okay?" asked the priest, a British velociraptor.

Nathan was visibly agitated, because that was the only way anyone could tell, since he can no longer talk, ever again. He suddenly lunged out and attacked the velociraptor, just because he was British.

"No!" yelled Sammy to Nathan. She pulled out her trusty whip and whipped Nathan on the back as hard as she could.

Nathan let out a guttural, almost inhuman sound; it was the only sound he could still make, and it caused him great pain to do so. He stopped attacking the velociraptor, and got off of him. However, the velociraptor was now unconscious.

"Well, good job, I guess. Now we don't have to pay him," said Amber.

"But we still have to go find James!" said Thomas. "Come on, everyone!"

And so, they all ran out of the church, and went to look for James, who was currently running around the city high as shit on cocaine.


	13. Chapter 13

It wasn't hard to find him. Thomas was the first to spot him. James was talking to an old friend of his. A very fat, very black friend of his, who was now a prostitute living on the streets of Chicago, doing anything just to survive.

It was the Gay Whale, whom Randy had sold into prostitution months ago. The gang cautiously walked up towards James, who was naked and high on cocaine, and the Gay Whale, who had semen leaking out of his blowhole and was smoking a cigarette.

"So yeah, me and Randy just got married," explained James, "and we're gonna adopt Thomas, and probably all those other kids back there, too."

Randy was horrified. Here was his husband, the love of his life, talking to the creature that had horribly raped him only a few years ago. It was too much for Randy, and he vomited in his mouth.

"So you're gay now, huh, Randy?" asked the Gay Whale. "So, does that mean you're ready for round two now?"

Randy vomited again, and this time it was mostly blood.

"Fuck... you..." mumbled Randy, with all of the strength and courage that he could muster up. Since the rape, he had barely been able to look at the Gay Whale, whose entire being seemed to revolve around being gay, and partly around being a whale.

"Blood gets me horny, ya know."

"Hey, shut up, man!" said James, who was very concerned for Randy.

"I'll rape you too, you piece of shit." said the Gay Whale. "Ooh..." he said, looking directly at Nathan, "I want that piece of fresh meat all up in my gay whale blowhole."

Suddenly, the Gay Whale lunged at the defenseless Nathan, who was now being sodomized. By a gay whale.

The rest of the gang - Thomas, James, Amber, and Sammy - stood by and just watched Nathan get fucking wrecked in the a-hole by this stuffed whale. They didn't do anything because, hey, at least Nathan couldn't complain about it, since Ray Rybka had cut out his vocal cords.

Randy couldn't look, though. Inside, he was boiling with furious anger towards the Gay Whale, for being both gay and a whale.


	14. Chapter 14

It had been nearly two months, and the gang was still just hanging around that dark alley, watching the Gay Whale attempt to sodomize Nathan.

They were all pretty dirty now, and all of them (Randy, James, Thomas, Amber, Sammy, Nathan, and even the Gay Whale) had grown at least a 5 o'clock shadow; Sammy had actually grown a full-on mustache. They were surviving off of bread crumbs that passersby dropped for them, as they disgustedly hurried past the group of filthy, homeless youngsters watching a stuffed whale rape a young man's butthole.

The Gay Whale himself hadn't ejaculated once since first attempting to "fucking wreck" Nathan's "a-hole" about two months ago. It turns out that Randy selling him into prostitution to pay off his debts had greatly lowered the Whale's self-esteem, which had actually made the Whale impotent. Randy had garnered so much pity for the Whale over this two-month-long act of sodomy that he had actually publicly forgiven the Whale for all of his past transgressions.

"I'm..." began the Gay Whale, "I'm so sorry, guys. I can't do it. I can't get hard, even though I've been fucking this dead kid up the ass for almost two months." He took his Whale Dick out of Nathan's ass, and threw Nathan's corpse onto the ground. Nathan had died from BLOTA (Blood Loss Of The Ass), which is actually far less common than you'd think, but still common enough to have an acronym for it.

"Don't worry, man," said Randy, "we've all been there."

"What? I haven't." said James.

"Yeah," seconded Thomas, "me neither."

"I have!" screamed Amber, while winking suggestively at Randy. Randy was very confused, and gave her a confused look, to which she replied "just kidding," but everyone now has a lesser opinion of Amber now because of this conversation. Great job.

Suddenly, a policeman came around the corner. Out of context, a naked man, his husband in a dress stained with cum, and a group of teenagers all huddled around a dead child and a stuffed whale with a dress on looks fairly odd.

"What the fuck... Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck, man? What the... holy shit, dude, wow, what the... d'aw heck, what is... come on, are you for real?" said the policeman. "You guys are going to jail."

As he put cuffs on Randy, James, Thomas, Sammy, and Amber, Thomas noticed that his nametag said "Richard".

"Ha," laughed Thomas, cockily, "you really are a Dick!"

Then the policeman beat Thomas upside the head with his nightstick, and crumpled them all into the back of his police car.


	15. Chapter 15

Thomas was unconscious, and had vomited all over himself. He could hear people talking... who were they? His father? His mother? Or his new fathers, the ones who had kidnapped him from his old family and had now landed him in a prison as a suspect in the murder of a young man?

"Are you okay?" asked a mysterious, new voice. The voice was calm, soft, and eerily soothing - something that instantly relaxed Thomas, and finally made him feel at home, made him feel like he belonged.

Thomas opened his eyes. It was a quick motion, faster than usual; he wanted, no, NEEDED to see who, or what, this voice belonged to. It was high, a bit feminine, yet masculine all the same. He saw the source of the voice immediately. It was an Angel.

"I'm William," said the Angel, "it's nice to meet you."

Something felt off. Something was wrong. If an Angel is on Earth, is it still an Angel? Or is it some new being, some unnatural nothingness from the Heavenly abyss?

Thomas didn't say a word. He couldn't. The situation had forced him into silence, a coldness had come over him, and he grew instantly still, unbreakable yet completely vulnerable, an emptiness with a hard shell inside, protecting something hidden that even he could not grasp, instead of protecting himself.

Sammy piped up instead, feeling strangely attracted to this new entity that called itself William. "Haha, he doesn't talk much, he's really stupid like that, umm I'm Sammy, how are you? Haha, like, do you wanna skate with me or something? I have roller skates with me."

"That sounds fun," replied William, "but I'd like to get to know all of you first."

"Oh," said Sammy, still oddly happy even though she had just been rejected, "haha okay, maybe later then haha, you're so cool." It was as if what he said had hardly even phased her, and not in the typical way that that kind of thing happens to a teenage girl.

Taking the lead, Randy said, "Hey, I'm Randy, and this," he pointed to James, "is my gay husband, James. That's Sammy, and Thomas, and that chick flashing the guard her tits over there to try to get us out of here is Amber."

"Hi," replied William, "I'm sure we'll all be great friends."

Randy beamed a smile, a smile bigger and wetter and more gayer than any he had ever beamed before, even bigger and gayer than the smile he had beamed at his literal own gay wedding where he wore a dress stained with cum. He was smitten for this beautiful 14-year-old boy, and not even in a sexual way, in some sort of parental way, except that he was the kid, he was always the kid, and he hated being treated like the kid but with William that could all change, he could be the kid and not care, he could finally be happy and safe and free.

And before he knew it, he was in bed with William. Again, not even in a sexual way, they were just sleeping on the floor together, in a sleeping bag provided by the police of the station that they were staying in (because the station only had one cell with two beds, which were being slept in by James and Sammy; Thomas and Amber also had to share a sleeping bag, and Thomas was fast asleep, none the wiser that Amber was taking pictures of his dick so that she could blackmail him later).

"I love you." said William.

"I love you, too." said Randy.

"You know what you have to do, right?" asked William.

"Yes..." said Randy, with a gulp, "I know."

And so, Randy sat up, and got on top of William. William had no fear, for he knew what was coming, and knew that it must be done. Randy was unsatisfied, angry at himself that it had to come to this. But it would all be over soon.

"She is not the one... so please," said William, "kill me, Randy."

Randy put his hands around William's throat, and squeezed as tightly as he could. William's face showed no difference, as if nothing was wrong, as if all was right in the world and everyone was happy and had found what they were looking for, but that was not true, and that could never happen, and because that could never happen this must happen, and there could be no other way, and there could never be another way, and every road led here, and then his eyes closed and he was put into an eternal sleep and slumped down, but was help up still by Randy's hands around his neck, as teardrops fell upon his lifeless body, teardrops that he could never again feel, teardrops that he could never again make for himself, teardrops that were now completely useless and could change nothing.

And when everyone awoke, they felt something amiss, yet William was gone. Randy had stayed watching his body all night, looking for some sign of life, something to show him that he wasn't a monster, that he hadn't just wasted the life of a teenage boy, but he saw none, and then he saw nothing at all, and William was gone.

Thomas woke up refreshed, as the threat was eliminated, and the plan could now follow through without interruption. Randy had played his part to perfection.


	16. Chapter 16

As James ran towards Haley's parents, he tore the handcuffs off of his wrists. He then collided with Haley's parents.

Haley's mother was killed immediately. Her father broke all four of his limbs, but was otherwise perfectly healthy. Not for long.

James kicked Haley's father, who will now be referred to as Greg, right in the teeth. He then ran over to the side of the room and stuck his fist down his throat to induce vomiting. Included in his vomit was a full, undigested kitchen knife, which James promptly picked up. He knew what he had to do.

Using the strength from his boner (which he got from watching James sweatily run around so much), Randy opened the cell door and let everyone out.

James walked slowly towards Greg, his prey, the only thing he could see in this moment of bloodlust that he experienced peridocially throughout his life as a result of the incident which shall not be named. He began licking the knife, savagely, somehow avoiding cutting his own tongue, as if he were insanely experienced with this specific act of bloodshed.

As Haley, his daughter, watched on, Greg squirmed in pain, unable to move because all of his limbs were broken. He could not even speak, as chunks of his own teeth were stuck in his throat and cutting through his neck every time he swallowed a nervous gulp of spit, fully aware that his death was imminent. But he would not joing his wife, no, she was the Innocent, and he her Keeper, too far gone for the world of the afterlife at all, instead skipping to the end of the line of the Glory.

James finally approached Greg.

James knelt down beside Greg.

James said some words to Greg.

James inserted the knife into Greg's stomach, slowly at first, twisting.

James slowly began moving the knife up Greg's stomach, making sure not to puncture deep enough to hit a vital organ.

James calmly increased his pace, knowing that if he went too fast the shock might kill Greg immediately and end his suffering. This could not happen. This could _not_ happen.

James stopped cutting as he reached the neck, and slowly took the knife out of Greg's body.

Greg kept blinking. He would not stop blinking. Later, James would think that this was because Greg was trying to wake up, like he was in a dream. It was not a dream. It was _not_ a dream.

But James let him blink.

Quickly, James (who was naked) laid on top of Greg, and inserted his penis into the long slit that he had just created across his torso. After sliding his penis through Greg's torso-cut a few times, James ejaculated onto Greg's failing lungs, and got up. He squatted over Greg's heart, and pushed with all of his might. A long, dangling poop shot out of James's butthole, and was so long that it actually touched Greg's body before it completely detached from James's. James then walked over to Greg's wife and stuck his tongue in her dead vagina, which revealed that she was on her period. James loved this, and drank her dead period blood in front of her dying husband.

Eventually, the situation became too much for Greg, and he was granted a merciful death.

James threw down Greg's wife's corpse, said "fucking spics," and kicked Greg again. And again. And again.

Haley was over in the corner, with her headphones in, listening to some emo band on her iPhone and looking bored out of her mind.

Suddenly, a sound came from the doorway to the showers. It was the Australian policeman Nate, and the sound was him trying to speak. However, he could not, for his throat had been cut and James's feces had been smeared inside of his throat.

Nate was holding a gun, and aimed it right at James. However, at the moment that he fired the gun, Nate died from his wounds, and the bullet instead hit Amber right in the noggin, killing her instantly.

Thomas tapped Haley on the shoulder, which caused her to take her headphones out. "Hi, I'm Thomas. That's Randy and Sammy, and that guy that just killed your parents is James."

"Oh, cool. I guess I'll start hanging out with you guys, then."

They all walked out of that police station soon after, without a care in the world. They were on their way to New York.


End file.
